My Disappearing Act

The morning I called my sister-in-law with questions about the South Beach Diet was the morning I had hit rock bottom with my weight. How ironic that I am using the phrase "rock bottom", implying an all-time low, when in truth my weight had hit an all-time high. Other than the times in my life when I have been pregnant, I had never weighed more. I remember crying even as I tried to speak through the phone, because I was overcome with emotion for so many reasons. I was depressed in nearly every way (and up until that phone call, trying to hide it), and I was embarrassed to be reaching out for help for something that was making me feel so vulnerable. I had finally admitted the truth to myself that I was overweight, and not just that, but also that I didn't feel well. The weight was impacting my health. I chronically felt bad. My legs ached almost all the time. They felt heavy and tired. I became winded going up the basement steps. I felt slow and awkward when I moved. I sure as hell no longer felt sexy or even attractive. And I wondered if I felt this way about myself, what did others see when they looked at me? Now, let me make this statement now for anyone reading this who may be a bigger person, and feel fine about themselves...if you are that person, and you feel good about who you are inside and out, good for you. I was a bigger person who did not feel that way, I was the complete opposite. This blog entry is not to make you feel bad about yourself in any way, it is a recording of the way I felt, and how I experienced a subsequent transformation.
I was eating pretty much out of control. That is the God's honest truth. I can remember some nights having a full dinner, and then the husband and I would sit down to watch a movie and I would make popcorn and many times follow up that with ice cream. This is painful to even admit because it reveals what an absolute pig I was making of myself. My husband can indulge sometimes because he is very active/athletic. When I realized that I weighed more than my husband, I felt that I had humiliated myself. If I were as tall as he is or taller it might not have been such a big deal that our weights were the same or even close, but I am a good 6 inches shorter than he is, and so at 5 feet 2 inches, it wasn't pretty. It doesn't take much weight on me to look dramatic. The more I ate, the bigger I became, the bigger I became the more I disappeared. Physically there was more of me to see, but my personality and who I am were disappearing into my size. I couldn't recognize myself any longer. I was not a happy person. I felt like my life was not my own. I felt that I no longer had control of my eating. Yet, who else was controlling what I put into my body? It was all me. I am also an emotional eater. I recently heard a nutritionist describe this type of eating as the "chew and stew". That's me.
So, I picked up the phone and called my sister-in-law who I knew had done the South Beach diet before and had success with it. I wanted to look better, but this time I knew I was doing it for my health as well. This made it a different kind of animal for me. In the past, when I have dieted it has been with the goal of looking better, but this time my health was taking a turn for the worst and it was frightening. I had fertility issues with our attempt at a second child, and based on that I was certain I had a condition called insulin resistance which is a pre-diabetic condition. Also, I have a family history of diabetes. I have always been proportioned whether thin or heavy, but within the past couple of years I had noticed my waist was expanding and losing definition. That is an outward sigh of insulin resistance-especially in regard towards women. I am not an expert, but this is what this type of body meant for me; certainly not all women who are built this way are insulin resistant, but it can be an indicator.
I had all sorts of preconceived notions about the South Beach Diet. Mainly, I had been a skeptic, in the past declaring that there was no way that diet could ever work for me because it just wasn't realistic that I would ever go the rest of my life without eating bread or potatoes. Well, I made those statements out of ignorance, not having an understanding of how the diet functions or what foods, once phase one was finished, I could add back into my life. My sister-in-law that Saturday morning was patient and supportive while I cried and reached out for help. She answered my questions, dispelled the myths and preconceived notions I had about South Beach, and offered ideas and recipes that would help me. She told me that once I began the diet in earnest and saw the results that my determination would be cemented. She was right.
I got a copy of the South Beach book, and read it. Part of my 2 year degree required a year of Anatomy and Physiology with a lab. I have a basic, but good idea of the subject, and so when I read the South Beach book, I really understood the metabolic concepts and physiology behind the diet. It seemed as if, for the first time in my life, I was being shown the proper way to eat. Reading the book I felt, and still do, that there-to-fore I had been eating incorrectly my entire life-especially every time I had attempted to lose weight. It use to be such an effort, and a constant struggle, and it occupied so much of my time. Now, I just eat according to the rules. I don't think about it too much. I don't have to count calories or fat, because if I am eating the right way, everything falls into place. Now, don't get me wrong, there are days when I sometimes say, "Why can't I just be like everyone else and eat what I want?" But as my mom pointed out, there are very few people who can eat like that and not have to follow a very strict exercise regimen. To that I guess I can add two more categories of people: those who are metabolically blessed, and those who just don't care about what eating in such a manner will make them look and feel like. That is important right there, what I just said, what some foods make one feel like. All those simple sugars and simple carbs made me so tired and sluggish and downright hungry all the time. If I do decide to treat (I don't say cheat because it simply isn't a nice word) myself maybe once a week to something sweet, the real deal, my body can process the food without any weight gain because I haven't been constantly overloading it with simply sugars and simple carbs. The South Beach Diet book claims that the diet will reset one's metabolism after time spent on the diet, and I am proof of that claim.
Recently I had a reason to look at my drivers license photo the other day. It was taken before I began the diet; complete with a bold faced lie about what my weight had been at the time it was taken. Once again, I was just embarrassed, and could not own up to what I really weighed. Anyway, seeing my face in the picture was a shock. I think every single pound I have shed must have been crammed into my face. It was so...BIG. If I ever need a reinforcement to stay the course I can simply whip out my drivers license. Also, I am certain, due to the way my body, and without going into too much detail, my body's natural cycles (wink, wink, you know, the womanly thing) are behaving that the insulin resistance has been resolved. I just feel so much better.
I am so grateful to my sister-in-law for all her help, advice, and pep-talks in the beginning. She was there to commiserate with me, and it was so helpful. I don't know if I have properly thanked her. If she reads this I hope she can hear my gratitude. Also, my mom has been always the rock for me. She is my biggest fan, I think. My husband has been there for me as well, complimenting me when he notices something looks nice. But by default he has had to eat a somewhat South Beach Diet and I know that has been difficult at times. I try to make sure he and the kids don't miss out on what they enjoy, because they didn't decide to follow the diet. Truly, though, dinners are much healthier for everyone. I am not done losing weight, but it doesn't seem like such a giant mountain to climb because I know that this is the way I want to eat the rest of my life, and so I will lose the weight in time.
So, it may make sense to say that "my disappearing act" is about the weight that is disappearing, but a closer look reveals the truth: Losing the weight is an act of appearance. The more weight I lose, the more of myself I can see again.